2013 Just Doesn’t Impress Me

unimpressed cat header01

So I’ve been scouring the interwebs for signs of life in the video game industry and came across some lists for upcoming video game releases for 2013 (IGN, Wikipedia). Despite there being such a solid lineup of games, I’m just not impressed. Let’s go through them…

First up, there’s the big one that everyone is talking about. Yes, even if you don’t play video games you will know about this one. Grand Theft Auto V. I’m so not impressed. Really, it’s been years since a good GTA has come out and I don’t really see Rockstar magically pulling their heads out of the sand and whipping up a brilliant game. Giving fans “what they want” doesn’t magically transform into a “good game”. 2K did that with Borderlands 2 and the result was a game that’s so repetitive that I had to put it down (shoot enemies, collect item, return to town, repeat). Also, nobody plays Borderlands 2 any more. I’m seeing exactly that for Grand Theft Auto V.

Then there’s Crysis 3, which boasts the most realistic physics engine and graphics ever seen in a video game. It’s a game which will put my PC to the test and show the true power of my hardware! Or I could just download a free, globally recognised benchmark which will do the same. Doing so will also save me the awkward moment when I tell my friends that I can run Crysis 3 on some super high setting and they just look at me blankly and reply with, “my Macbook can run Youtube”.

The soft body physics engine used in Crysis 3 is very impressive

Why crash a car in real life when you can crash it on your computer! Warning: you may crash your computer too. Source: Rock Paper Shotgun

There’s the next Tomb Raider coming out in March. It’s being published by Square Enix so it’ll suck. That is all.

What’s next? South Park: The Stick of Truth. That’ll be hilarious… assuming THQ actually survives long enough to release it. They are so boned right now that I wouldn’t be surprised if they shut down tomorrow. So that leaves two options for this game: it either doesn’t get released because THQ goes under or it gets rushed out and is horrible as a consequence. If it’s neither, I will make a public apology to THQ. That’s unlikely, though.

South Park: The Stick of Truth

THQ, if you screw this up I will never forgive you!

There’s an expansion scheduled for Final Fantasy XI. My first thought was, “people still play that game?” Also, there are rumours that the third Final Fantasy XIII title will be released this year. My first thought was, “people liked the first game?”

Wait, what’s this? Rambo: The Video Game? Get out! Are you telling me that I can run around as a peeved off Italian super-soldier who’s capable of taking on an entire army with a utility knife whilst shouting things in a slur of unintelligible grunts? Sold! Well actually, no. Anyone who has played a video game based off a movie knows exactly what’s coming: a whole bunch of key events from that movie wrapped up in every video game gimmick invented.

Rambo is the greatest

Nudin er ower! Nudin! Yoo jus dern tun i erf! I weren mer wer! Yoo as me er dern as yoo! Source: Parpa – DeviantArt

There’s The Last of Us, which triggered a huge response from many journalists and gamers alike claiming that video games were too violent these days. It’s ironic, actually, because The Last of Us was meant to represent a violent reality, not slap blood spatters on everything in order to be “cool”. Anyway, the main problem with this game is that all the hype died down shortly after it’s presentation, probably due to that stigma. Now that there’s no hype, I can’t get this game to look the part and be cool in front of my friends. Wait a second, I’m 21. Like I give a damn! Pre-order me a copy, Gabe!

Bioshock: Infinite? I haven’t even played the first Bioshock. I bought it 6 months ago from Steam and it has been sitting on my computer looking at me, saying “I have a metascore of 96 and you’re playing Candy Crush Saga on your freaking phone?”. Yeah, I’m lame like that. In this case, being unimpressed comes from the fact that I’m disappointed with my ability to let such an amazing game sit on my computer unplayed. Snap out of it, Luke!

Then last, but not least, there’s Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. Do I look like I want to crap my pants again? Get the hell out of here!

I hope that I’m wrong about 2013. I truly do.


Featured Image: Marc Perkins

Author: Luke Larobina View all posts by +
Luke is a co-founder of Doublejump. His enthusiasms include complaining about bad video games and the fact that people like them. Expect plenty of rants from him!